Editorial Reviews. About the Author. Alter is a practicing psychologists. Good Husband, Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband in the Man You Married. Good Husband, Great Marriage [Robert Mark Alter] on roughnosecontdar.gq *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. For men, and the women who love them, this is a. In the bestselling tradition of "The Rules" and "The Surrendered Wife" comes a controversial, empowering guide that says what women know already—that men .
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GOOD HUSBAND, GREAT MARRIAGE is a hard-hitting, no-nonsense guidebook for men and women to help them fix their marriages. Robert Alter's central. Good Husband, Great Marriage book. Read 15 reviews from the world's largest community for readers. For men, and the women who love them, this is a highly. Good Husband, Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband in the Man You . Free PDF d0wnl0ad, audio books, books to read, good books to read, cheap.
Keep up the good work. Call men to manhood. First let me say, my husband found your book, all by himself. We've been married 10 years and I had finally had enough with our cycles of love, anger, resentment, change, revert back. I was numb and was done with all of it and told him I wanted a divorce.
We tried to talk, but it became a blame game which ended in silence. Complete and total disconnection. The very next day he told me he found a book he liked. By that evening he told me what it was and said I should read it too. He had only gone two chapters in at this point. I am an avid reader and love to get lost in books, so I agreed. I downloaded it and read it that night.
The next morning I told him he was right and it is a great book. I felt a glimmer of hope and a little nervous that he wouldn't finish it. But he did! By the next evening, while I was at yet another school function without him, he sent me a text apologizing for being such an asshole throughout our marriage. The next morning we had our first "real conversation.
He really gets it now. All the arguments we've had over the years about me needing my friends and him calling it gossip. He even stayed in with the kids voluntarily to spend time with them, make them dinner, and help with homework while I enjoyed an evening with friends. Something that would never have happened before! Every chapter hit home for both of us.
I now have more than a glimmer of hope. It's full-blown love. My life has changed in four days. I have no doubt that this is a permanent change.
I feel more secure in my marriage than I ever have. Thank you! You have saved my marriage and brought back my soul mate! I immediately recommended this book to two of my couple friends who are struggling as well, and they are going to read it. I hope they have the same experience we have. Your book is amazing. I recently had a complete breakdown with my wife. She has come to me in the past, advising I would lose her if I didn't give her attention.
It would go in one ear and out the other for seven years. I did not know how to be a good husband nor how to give her what she needed. She told me she had slept with someone else to get the attention I didn't give her, and everything almost came to an end, but I accepted what happened and understood why it happened.
I would come home from work, tired, not wanting to deal with anything and would sit at the computer for hours, or watch TV in the bedroom until it was time to go to sleep. When she would want sex, I would push her away. I found your book and ordered it. I read it front to back and embraced all it has taught me. Some of the things I already started doing on my own; however, there was a LOT of insight on women's emotions in the book.
One of the biggest things was she came to me a couple of days ago and said, "You know, you have become the man I've always wanted. Please don't stop what you are doing. I appreciate your book and will always embrace it. Last Sunday my wife told me she was unhappy with our marriage, and she meant it. I did some research on counseling, read some articles, and came across your book. I finished your book tonight, and while some parts made me feel like you were de-masculating me, it's true that I was being an ass at times not as bad as some of your examples though , but still an ass nonetheless.
I am writing my wife a letter tonight to vow to become a better husband and laying out the reasons why--that I love her more than anything in the world and she is the best thing to ever happen to me. I have been using your ideas for being a better husband for three days and I already noticed softer, less rigid kisses from my wife.
She has no idea what I have been reading the past few days, so I wonder if she has noticed any change. I loved the book and hope I can change and make my wife happy again. I just wanted to say thank you. I have only read a few books cover to cover in my life. While we have never met, you know me. The way you presented the material as well as the content itself was simply perfect. At 51 years of age and 27 years of marriage, I still have so much to learn. Moreover, so many simple actions to take that will make my life better as well as those around me.
I just finished reading your book. It was excellent, and really drove home the point that I was too stubborn to see my faults in my marriage. I currently am away from my family, a trial separation of sorts, while I stay with my friends to figure out what we both can do. In the two weeks I have been gone I have tried to maintain contact with my wife, but all except one day, she has been giving me the cold shoulder. Because of your book and suggestions, I continue to try and not give up hope.
I understand where her anger comes from. Everyday is a struggle being away from my family, and I just want my wife to be open to forgiveness and a fresh start to see what I learned from reading your book. Please pray for me that she will someday soon give me this opportunity, and let down her guard, and show me love and hope in return. I spent over an hour in our local bookstore yesterday, searching for a book, THE book, that would help Jim and me.
I'm desperate to save this relationship we have because I know in my heart that Jim is the wonderful man I've always thought he is and that we can be incredible together, though he gives me almost no reason to think so. I chose your book after looking through I don't even know how many because you wrote it from a man's perspective, and I thought, "If he'll read anything, maybe maybe!
He can't say that to my face. I don't know: He does say, "I love you," though I'm not really sure what that means to him. Is that true? I don't know. After reading your book, I'm beginning to see that maybe it's just true of all or most men. And yes, I read your book in one day, cover to cover.
I couldn't put it down, as it were a lifeline to the life and relationship I truly want and need. I've told him that things have to change, to which he replies with one of three statements: I can't do anything about it right this minute. I can't change. I'm working on it. After reading your book, my responses to these would be: Of course you can! No, you're really not. We have one of these "discussions" about every weeks and nothing has changed.
I love Jim with all my heart. I try to say and do things that let him know this every single day. I leave him notes, send him texts, give him little things I know he'd like, give him hugs for no reason other than that I love him. He does none of these things. Yet still I persist. Because I have always been able to see the man he is beneath that dismissive, unapproachable, stop-before-I-have-to-deal-with-an-emotion exterior.
And I have hope that he will break free from that crusty shell. My hope is, however, dwindling. Quite frankly, your book is my last great hope. If he reads it, if he can put aside his mistrust of and distaste for dealing with emotions and actaully read it, then he may just see that real change is possibe.
Am I perfect? I've gone through therapy, though, and it helped me tremendously, though until reading your book I'd forgotten some of the lessons I'd learned during that therapy. I have work to do on me, but I'm already starting that.
I'll write Jim that letter you suggest at the end. Had, in fact, been planning to do that since about a quarter of the way through the book. Will it work? Does he love me enough and value my love enough to change?
Can he learn to let go and love himself? I don't know, but I have hope. I'll let you know how that whole thing works out. Thank you very much for helping me to keep that hope alive a while longer.
I just finished reading the book. As a feminist who was brought up reading Ms. Having come from three generations of mothers who had to support themselves and their children without child support or alimony after their husbands dropped the ball and either left or were kicked out for their bad behavior, I chose to not follow in their footsteps.
I have never been married and do not have any children. Even though I haven't been married, I have experienced much of what you write about in my intimate relationships with multiple men over my lifetime.
At the age of sixty-one, I would like to find a life partner. But I'm dating in the pool of men who have failed at their marriages. I find at this age the men who are happily married have figured out most of what you've written about.
They have had to in order to make the marriage work and to make it happy. But that's not who I am dating. The men I date are clueless. Their relationship skills are horrible. But I see that they are also lonely and sad. I think they truly want to be connected, they just don't know how to do it. And with the pain and fracture of the previous failed marriage, they are upside down and discombobulated.
They put on a great show, but we know the truth. I've often quoted Janis Joplin and was surprised you didn't have this quote in your book since it sums it up nicely from the song "Cry Baby. I like John Gray mostly , but he says that all men pull away at the beginning of a relationship, and when they do the woman needs to get busy with family and friends until he comes back on his own.
The worst thing a woman can do at that critical juncture is to call the man. What, are we living in the s? Obviously John Gray has no idea the special kind of torture a woman experiences when a man in a new relationship pulls away.
Or how cataclysmically devastating it is to think you've had a good date judging by his behavior and words, only to have him never call you again, with no explanation! It's a special form of abuse that a quick "This isn't working for me" would end immediately--rather than spending three weeks of agonizing over what went wrong. Could you tell these guys to "man-up" and send an e-mail! Good Lord! How much easier could it be?
I wish I had read the book a lot earlier. I finally see what I have been missing in my relationship. It wasn't her, it was me all along. I was the selfish jerk. Because of my selfish ways, I have lost my soulmate. I hope this book reaches out to the men who still have a chance, who can still make a difference.
Don't let your selfish ways push your wife away. Do whatever it takes to be a wonderful man to your partner, because she deserves it. This book gives you all the steps; just apply them. Trust me, you don't want to learn that lesson when it is too late, like I did. I now know how to be a wonderful husband; I just wish I could have applied it earlier when it mattered the most. I don't know if your book would have made a difference during my marriage, because I am not sure that my now ex-husband would have even read it, but I do know that one day during my marriage I prayed for God to take me out of this world.
Even though my divorce didn't happen right after that, I finally got to the point where after nearly 20 years of being with him, I couldn't take another minute of it. I still to this day love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and for my own sanity I found that I cannot be in any kind of social contact with him, for it hurts. Your book is an inspiration. I can, and I will, find someone who I can have this kind of relationship with.
I look forward to it. I enjoyed reading your book Good Husband, Great Marriage. I read it so fast. You made it very interesting. It really gets down where the rubber meets the road. It shows how men are leading the homes in our world. I think every man should read this book before they get married. All women leave their mom and dad and brothers and sisters when they get married, thinking that their husband will love them and that they will be nice to them the rest of their life and that their life is going to be better; but these men turn into angry beasts and they blame it on us women, women who do everything for them in every good and decent way.
They also make us feel ugly and rejected, especially when they start looking at other women and start being nice to other women, and then they look at their wife like she is an old woman who needs to die so he can get a more beautiful and fun woman and that he deserves a better woman.
Yes, they become assholes to their wife in every way. I don't like using that word, but it seems to be the perfect word in this case. It's funny how some men can be nice to everyone who doesn't know them. Once this damge is done, women never forget it, and the scar upon their heart seems to last forever. If he was to change, how do you remove the scar that he has made?
I loved what your father said [Chapter 36] about always do what is right. This has always been my rule for living my life. When you treat people the way you would like to be treated, you don't have as much trouble, just trouble from people who don't treat you right.
I have been humble and have overlooked a lot and forgiven a lot even when I did not get an apology. After reading this book, I feel I need to stand up for my rights as a woman, mother, and wife.
I don't know if my husband will read this book. I am thinking about laying it beside his newspapers and books, and just hope he will. By the way, I found this book at a yard sale. Thank you for writing such a wonderful book.
I really enjoyed reading it. I finally have validation for what I have been feeling in my marriage! I always knew deep down it was not my fault.
I just knew it. My husband and I are separated, and I am not sure if I want to work on our marriage. He has caused me so much pain and heartache that I do not know if I can get past it all.
I know with all my heart and soul that I have given the best of myself to him and to my marriage. I know deep down he is a good man, he just has to sift through the garbage of his past to get to it. I have worked so hard during our marriage that I just don't feel like I have the energy to work on it anymore. But I sure wish he would read the book to work on himself for whatever relationship he decides to have in his future.
I definitely liked the idea in the book about basing all my decisions on my own happiness [pp. It may sound very egotistical, but it really is not because if I am happy, I want to help everyone else with their happiness. One of the many lines that rang true to me is, "If you think you need to go to therapy, you need to go to therapy, so go.
I see now I have things to work on for myself and for my future relationships. It was my great fortune to come upon your book. I think I had read every book on marriage written for women. Unfortunately, because of this quest to be the perfect wife, I found myself becoming not myself, but instead a conglomerate of what best-selling authors said I should look like. Needless to say, I was unhappy, and my husband found me turning into a woman he didn't recognize. Still, though, I was frustrated at our lack of communication and the perception that my husband just wouldn't listen.
I had found a book on marriage in my husband's belongings once. I think he bought it because he had been on some type of men's convention with a church group and they were selling it there. I was quite pleased that he was making an effort although I don't know if he ever actually read it. I read the book and was mortified.
I found it insulting in its condescension toward women and its patronizing solutions for marital strife. I told my husband to ignore any advice he may have gleaned from the book because I am not the woman referred to in that book.
I married a good man, and I consider us to have a very good marriage. He is not selfish, so many of your chapters didn't apply to him.
But Chapter 14, Be Prepared to Process, explained a lot. I found myself validated in my frustration, and wanted to thank you for that. I found myself urging my husband to read just Chapter 14, if nothing else.
He took the book on a hunting trip, and read Chapter 14 while he sat in a tree stand one peaceful, quiet morning.
I wish I could say that everything changed immediately, but it didn't. I can tell he's trying though. He lets me process at least. And sometimes months after I've "processed" something, I can tell he heard me, because he will reference it. I know he's listening, and if he is not acting on what I've said, I no longer accuse him of being indifferent. I've realized we both have limitations. We both are unable to meet every need of the other.
That's okay. Our strength is in admiring the person we fell in love with, apart from our "assigned" roles as each other's "need meeter. Thank you so much for your book. I do not exaggerate when I say that reading it constituted a changing point in my life. I expected another book teaching the woman how to change; and instead I found an eye-opener that gave me the confidence I needed to look out for myself.
I started questioning long-held assumptions of what love meant, stopped putting up with daily verbal and emotional abuse with the occasional physical intimidation , and found the courage to create a bottom line. I gave an ultimatum to my husband, and we have started couples therapy.
His behavior has somewhat changed, but more needs to happen for me to be happy in this marriage. In any case, whatever happens in this relationship, I am so much better now. Hansville, Washington. I gave the book to my husband to take with him on his flight this morning.
I am so moved by this book and feel so fortunate to have found it when I did. It encapsulates everything that is wrong with our marriage. I can only hope tht my husband returns from his business trip a changing man. In as a sophomore in college, I discovered it unread on my best friend's bookshelf. Immediately I felt it was an absolute treasure.
The compassion and wisdom of your words has comforted me throughout the darkest moments of my life and shaped my heart and mind forever. Over and over I turn to it: I have given it as wedding presents and breakup presents. I have consulted it with boyfriends and family when we find ourselves at an impasse. I have read excerpts to friends in their times of need. I quote it often. I think of it more often.
It is so much a part of me that I cannot imagine myself without it. Every page in your book has the power to take me from lost to love, from depression to compassion, from fear to hope. It fills me with peace, and patience, strength, and self-love. It centers me. My mother passed away when I was young, but I know that these are the lessons she would have taught me had we more time together. I am sorry that I waited so long to tell you how important your work has been to someone.
I have a degree in psychology, have read tons of self-help books, and have been through my share of therapy. I have explored many books on Buddhism and meditation. So I consider myself somewhat of an expert when I say that this is the best book ever written of its kind.
The most concisely, beautifully crafted guide to being human I ever expect to come across. So thank you both, from the bottom of my soul, which I am still and will forever be working on getting right. Thank you for saving my life.
A complete bum, negative, arrogant, ignorant, angry, selfish, and so on. I just finished the book. I have acknowledged all of my faults and have changed extremely fast. You have opened my eyes to my own immaturity. Thank you very much. I first wrote to you in March of , and since then my husband has made his way to Chapter 11, "Talk to Her. I guess he is not one of the ones who gets it quickly, or should I say, wants to acknowledge all his ungentleness quickly.
He is doing this slowly, but that is okay, he is still changing slowly, so I am pleased. He asked me to give him a list of the things that bother me about him. He couldn't bring himself to ask me to tell him of the ways he was immature. So you think I'm immature? You are probably more mature in a lot of ways than the average man out there, but I guess there are a few things, dear.
When he came back in, he said, "I read two chapters," and I said, "Wow, that is great. Any Moves? When I made the list of things that annoy me, the top two were: Please make the effort to reach your arm a little further and throw the tissues in the garbage can instead of on the floor right next to it. I clean all day and it would be helpful if you would pick up after yourself. Please wipe up your coffee spills and stains on the the table, washing machine, sink, etc.
So I am trying to be gentle when reminding him. I hope I am doing things right on my end. Patience is the big factor, but I figured I've been with him and his ungentleness for 25 years, I can wait a year to get the man I need him to be. We were swinging out on the front porch today as the weather here in Colorado was perfect.
A nice breeze, not many people in sight, and we were talking, sharing, cuddling, and he mentioned that he was kind of in a funk today, so I said, "I know what will get you right out of your funk: Do you know what the next chapter is called? Then he said, "I always listen to you, you don't listen to me. He will start on that chapter tomorrow, but I can't wait for him to get to the chapter about apologizing.
I've been waiting for 25 years for a sincere apology for a few things. I told him, "You can't get away with a two minute apology after all the hurt, and be done with it while my wounds are still open. I think that chapter will heal years of heartache and bring down some serious walls between us. Thank you again, Robert, for this awesome book, and to you, Jane, for being the reason he wrote it.
God bless you both. I am a single male, but I have found a very quality and intelligent female whose name is Katerina. I have known her for three years, she is a very superior, strong, and elegant lady. Katerina does think that I am a very talented and energetic good male who strives hard toward my challenges, and thinks I am also a good chef!
Since I have finished reading your book, I have had new understandings in my mind, and I want to change and corrrect my bad habits: I should stop walking into toy and video game stores.
I should stop watching cartoons on DVDs and on Youtube. I should spend less time on Facebook. I should stop talking about other females in front of Katerina. I should talk about things I am planning to do instead of the past. I should stop watching porn videos. I feel that my bad habits covered me, and it's not the way I am. My bad habits are not healthy for my mindset; they are immature. In May, I will be taking a ten week course about image and lifestyle.
I want to commit myself to study hard enough in order to be a more attractive male. What was his incentive? And there is no way any of his treatment towards me has anything to do with feeling, caring, empathy, let alone love. So without that, there is no incentive for him to even care if I can stand to be around him ever.
I shall BEG him to pay attention. Change first! The counselor was not necessarily in the spirit of the book, as he took every opportunity to put into question my credibility. So ours is not a success story, the books have been tossed into waste baskets or drawers, and now I have to make that decision, what do I do now? Your book WAS my last hope, so I want to say thank you, thank you, for your brilliant yet so simple insight on how to save marriages.
Laura and I have been married almost 25 years. Second marriages for both--for reasons so well outlined in your book. For the past few weeks she had a difficult time first recovering from a simple surgery, and then a rush decorating job she had taken on.
I was very supportive and helpful. She told me often how she appreciated all I did. Finally, it was over, and I felt it would be nice to just drop everything and go out and celebrate. She said she was really too tired, perhaps tomorrow night.
She gave me a hug, and started doing laundry, cleaning the house, picking up her sewing room, and talking with her sister on the phone. I went into a pouty, closed-off funk. South Dakota Badlands. Doing something nice together after all the support I was felt to me to be less important to her than all that other stuff in her mind.
She asked me what was wrong, and I finally said that I felt like "we" were on the bottom of the list and that she wasn't too tired to clean the house, etc. She hugged me again and said, "I am just tired," and I have to get the house back in order before my upcoming trip in three days. In the next few days we did have time, and the house got cleaned so it would be nice for me while she was away. And I don't know how or why. That actually, tired as she was, she was thinking of me!
Well, I didn't deserve her love by acting that way. I realized what a wonderful person I married. How lucky I am to have her gentle, steady, and wise love in my life. And I knew I never want to be that "twit" again. She deserved my "better person," and I want to be that for her. I apologized, and we talked about my misunderstanding of it all. I became more grateful of her being and wisdom than ever before.
The next day I talked with a friend superficially about what had happened. He referred me to your Good Husband book. Funny how the "universe" makes the right things appear when we are ready for it. I don't open up to my tennis partner like that, but he was the messenger for what I needed.
It is exactly what I have needed in my life for a long time. I am having a problem about how we give ourselves to the service of another without losing our "authentic" self. I have dreams and desires that seem to be an integral part of who and what I am. That without them, I cease to be the true "me. I wonder if in the real world that such a surrender and devotion would often lead to being used or taken advantage of.
There is old pain in us all. We all have demons. So, I proceed with caution and the hope that love can truly conquer all. I continue to learn. I will give Laura the book to read. Then we will talk! My wife got the book and read a tiny bit of it before telling me about it and where it was in the house. We have had a tough time over the last few years, what with one thing or another, so I got the book and read a few chapters. I put the book down, looked at my wife, and the look of expectation on her face was something to behold.
We just fell about laughing. Within hours of my first read, my view of life, marriage, and my wife had changed--a mere twist of my cognition and the world is a different place. Yes, at times I am an asshole, BUT I am listening, we are talking, and we went away and had a glorious couple of days celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.
I will always be grateful for the book, and I haven't even finished it yet! This really is a husband writing this! Life is just great. My father told me about this book. He used to be a diffciult man--very difficult--no wonder my mother drank. He did not realize that he was mostly at fault for the problems in my mother and father's relationship until he filled out a checklist and realized what an asshole he had been all those years!!
Anyway, many years later, I have done the same thing my mother did--married a diffcult man--a very difficult man--an angry, sad, hurt, and depressed man--a wonderful, loving, athletic, intelligent man--my best friend--my best friend who I hardly know. This book gives me hope, and I only pray and pray that he does not continue to mock the book and wonder if a 'homosexual' has written it. I feel that he can change, but don't know that he has the motivation or realizes what he will lose if he does not start digging deeply within himself.
Not only will he possibly lose me and the ability to see our son every day, but will continue to lose himself. Thank you for pointing out that I am entitled to my anger and pain and loneliness.
Thank you for this book. It was a gift from my parents for my birthday. The best gift ever received.
Thank you for your book. I have never give up my dream to build a real relationship, and I do so!!! Your book is wonderful, simple, real, practicle, not "une prise de tete," as we say in French you know, those beautiful theories but impossible to live. Every evening I read a few pages to my wonderful companion.
It is like a translator of women thoughts in men's words. That's it! So I just thank you and your woman and I continue the travel. Last night my husband confessed that he hadn't had much time to read during the day at work perfectly understandable , and he was a little put off by the hardback title, It's Mostly His Fault.
I had explained to him about the unfortunate title, and I had included in the book a bookmark in the form of a love letter telling him how much I loved him and that if he needed something from me in our relationship to please tell me, but he still found the title off-putting.
Ironically, I picked up the book because I thought the title was funny and ironic. Anyway, instead of turning on the TV and sitting in front of the television and our laptops, I offered to read aloud to him while he ate his dinner, and we got through Chapter Four.
Then we spent three hours talking. I noticed and pointed out to him that every time I asked him what he thought wasn't right in our relationship, he went straight to talking about money and his job and his frustration about money and his job. When I said that I thought the reason we weren't feeling very sexual was because we had no intimacy, he got a funny look like that had never occured to him, but when I said it he suddenly saw how that could be.
Neither one of us is into casual sex with strangers--which is what we have been: We're going to keep reading to each other in the evenings. I am a writer, and he confessed he hasn't even started reading my latest novel-in-progress, so we'll be reading that out loud while exchanging foot-rubs as well as reading about how it's mostly his fault I do get a laught out of that title--I've spent so many years reading all about how it's all MY fault, and if I can only be sweet and loving and appreciative enough, he will look up from the computer screen and notice me.
One thing that struck me is that all the time I was feeling unloved and abandoned and convinced that he resented me for not making as much money as he does, he had no idea there was anything wrong with our relationship at all. Not a clue. I am not a screamer or a complainer, so he figured as long as I was there and available, there wasn't a problem. When he does see a problem, it is always extremely concrete and specific: I left my table saw outside in the rain.
We don't have sex. His brain just can't process the idea that I feel tired and stressed and frazzled in part because I feel like I am asbolutely alone in this relationship. Thanks for pointing that out in your book. And thank you for explaining it to him in man-words because when I say that I need something, that sounds like crazy talk to him, he just really doesn't take it in or know what to do about it.
Your book helped him to hear me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, my lord! Good for you for not retaliating when she struck you. That shows tremendous class and self-control, but she has no more right to strike you than you do her.
No hitting. That's the rule. Same rule for everybody. A good therapist could help you figure out ways to talk with her about the no-hitting rule at a time when tempers aren't high and also what to do when the situation is getting unruly. I have an issue. I have been abusive toward my girlfriend, and I am seeking counseling for this issue. However, a trigger is when she slaps me. I haven't seen it in the book, but my girlfriend has read the whole book and says that she is within her rights to slap me when I am insolent.
I accept and acknowledge that I am responsible for her anger, and I am trying to use the tools you present to fix that, even though it is sometimes hard to do effectively with a long distance relationship. And as I said, my violence is inexcusable, I have no defense for those actions, but am I really supposed to accept slapping as a legitimate action from my sweetheart any time I anger her or she needs to teach me a lesson?
I know your accounting of your wife's overturning the dining room table [p. I have had things thrown at me, and been slapped. I have been bruised and had a bloody lip. I deserve her anger, but do I really deserve these angry actions? While my own violence is inexcusable, I have calmly put up with being slapped several times.
My only regret is the two times I did respond in an effort to get her to stop, once trying to physically drag her out of my apartment. How many times must I be slapped without responding before she needs to stop?
I never want to touch her in anger again, so I am not looking for a countdown to allow me to respond. I have never used violence to intimidate her other than in response to slapping, and I know I shouldn't have done so then, but when can I expect to not be slapped? When is it reasonable for me to ask to not be slapped?
I am an abuser for ever touching her in anger--this is my shame. Thank you for the tools you have provided to work toward harmony with her. She is the love of my life, and I thank you for giving me the tools to try to show her that this is the case. I shouldn't laugh. I really shouldn't. My husband and I have essentially the same dog problem you do, and it is something we need to work on. He wanted puppies, so we got a mate for our little boy dog Scooter, and we now have five precious pug-chihuahua mix darlings who run amuck.
I work hard to train and discipline them, build fences to keep them in the yard, read books about dog training, clean up after them, walk them, etc. He complains about how badly behaved they are, and that, as he sees it, is where his responsibility ends. I have been repeatedly telling my husband that he can either stop complaining about the dogs' behavior or take responsibility for it.
He can choose one or the other. He can even have both. The whole "take responsibility" concept is seriously straining his considerable intelligence. If your husband wants the dogs--which he clearly does--then it is his obligation to read about dog training or enroll the dogs in obedience school on the weekend you could go with him and spend time every day reaching them acceptable behavior.
Anything less than that is childish. It will help a lot if you are both on the same page vis-a-vis taining methods and expectations: Thank you for your letter. Seeing someone else in the same predicament as myself really helps me see where I let my husband get away with being irresponsible and immature.
I have read your book and am wondering how my situation would fit your philosophy. My husband was nicer to me before we were married, but I still believe he is a good man; he has baggage just as I do from poor parental role models to major depression. But the most insurmountable issue between us is our dogs.
We adopted our first dog from the pound a year ago, he was seven months old, a large dog, very hyper, out of control. I was unsure it was a good idea, but my husband insisted he could handle him. We brought the dog home and he was a nightmare. Tore up everything in the house every day for months when we left him to go to work. We didn't leave him in his crate because my husband insisted he needed to learn to behave out of the crate.
I arrived home before my husband, so I was the one who had to clean up the messes and punish the dog. It really started to get me down; I admit I am sensitive, and I really would prefer peace in my home note: After the dog tore up every outdoor cushion and continued to chew on us not drawing blood, but still biting , I dared to suggest we might give him away not to the pound, but a good home , and try another dog.
My husband went ballistic!! He said that we had adopted this dog so we had to be responsible and keep him forever. That he loved the dog and if I ever got rid of the dog he would never forgive me. That the dog would outgrow the behavior one day, and I needed to just put up with it. That, "Why didn't I just shoot the dog now?! Every time I had taken all I could stand and tried to bring the subject up, my husband would shut down, refuse to discuss it, and insult me.
I started to feel he loved the dog more than me, but when I mentioned how I felt, he denied it and got even more angry. Six months ago, we took in my mother-in-law's dog because she was chewing up the furniture, and my husband felt he could train her and give her a better home than his parents could. She has fewer behavior problems, but the two dogs have played and fought loudly and violently all the time.
Then, a few months ago, a rescue organization was showing their dogs, and my husband talked me into getting a third dog! This one was only four months old, not hyper, and large enough to be a match for the first dog.
However, she has her own issues, like digging up our trees and ripping off all their bark and branches. I thought I might be a dog person, but this experience has shown me I probably do not have the patience. No matter how I explain, try to be reasonable, beg, or cry, my husband will absolutely not budge on this subject.
I know he has control issues, but it seems unfathomable that these dogs could mean so much to him he is willing to scream at me and risk me leaving him. I am desperate; no one I have talked to has any useful advice. If you post this on your website, I pray someone will have some comment that will help me. We haven't been to counseling because we have financial problems which are less of an issue than dogs!
He has not read the book yet, as he got a new job recently and just left for a six week training program. I have just finished reading your book Good Husband, Great Marriage for what seems like the fourth time, possibly more.
I also read the comments from readers, including some men who chose to dump on Robert for being a "sellout" to men. As I am sure you are aware, recently Tiger Woods was involved in what I can only call a pathological attempt to remain a toddler in his marriage by attempting to create some sort of human golf course holes of golf, 18 cocktail waitresses.
I feel that certain parallels can be made here. First of all, I never had a sense that the book was a sellout to men. Actually, the book hints at the very core of damaging male behavior. It forces men if they grasp it to view woman not as objects, but rather worthwhile, unique individuals who are very much worth loving and knowing. The danger of the Tiger Woods fiasco, as well as the incident in Los Angeles where a 15 year old girl was gang-raped while spectators watched and filmed it with their cellphones, is that the objectification of women is a dangerous trend.
To a demented male mind, we are nothing more than one of 18 cocktail waitresses on the side, or merely a bag of parts. I don't think the responsibility for this condition can be blamed solely on men, however.
Women would be better served if we remained dignified, with the knowledge that God put us on the planet to nurture, not titillate. That is, in my opinion, unless we are speaking of an adult monogamous sexual relationship. While I continue to struggle in my own marriage, infidelity, lies, etc. I hope much more for my daughters. I do believe with all my heart that a man will treat you in exactly the same manner that you demand.
Or, as Mrs. Roosevelt put it, no one takes advantage of you without your permission. This letter will probably elicit a hostile response from some people, but I sincerely hope, like your book, that people will at least contemplate an opinion outside their box.
I just wanted to take the time to thank you for writing Good Husband, Great Marriage. A good friend of mine suggested that I get self-help books to work on the problems in my marriage. I went to the bookstore and picked yours up. Based on the title, I thought it would be about the wife adjusting the way she looks at the things her husband does.
I thought that was what we needed. Boy, was I wrong! I just finished reading your book from cover to cover and feel so validated. I have been married for four years.
I am 26 and my husband is We have a beautiful two year old daughter. I have been so miserable and lonely for the past two years--the only thing that has kept me going is our daughter. Everything my husband does that upsets me is in your book--from being a workaholic, to infidelity, to not talking with me. After him saying so many times, "What is your problem?! He even went so far as to say that I am manic-depressive or that there must be something else if not that, that I am just "screwed-up.
I moved out of our house last week after he grabbed me by the shoulders and got in my face, saying he wants to kill me. I am not sure what to do now. My daughter and I are at my parent's house. Something keeps me wanting to go back to him. I want to demand change in him.
I believe there is a good man in there. I married him when he was a good man. Your book has helped me make a decision. We are going to meet at a friend's house tonight for a discussion. I am going to ask him what he thinks I need to change. And I will listen. Then I am going to tell him that he will change or he will lose his wife and daughter.
I am going to demand that he go to anger management and that we go to couples counseling. Your book gave me the power to demand what I know is the right thing to do. My wife Jane just ran into the room for a second to get something, and I asked her what I should say about myself in this biography.
She said, "Say that you're a great guy and a good husband! My father owned a small furniture store in Boston, my mother was a homemaker. When I was three, we moved to a suburb of Boston, where I grew up on the top floor of a two-family house and attended the public schools. I did well in school, and liked it. I was also a good athlete, and spent most of my boyhood on baseball fields and basketball courts and frozen ponds, playing football, baseball, basketball, and hockey with my friends-glory days!
It was on those playing fields that I learned the voice that we males speak to each other in-boy to boy, man to man-a voice that men will listen to--and it's the voice I speak to husbands in in my therapy office, and the voice I wrote It's Mostly His Fault in. I graduated from high school in , and went to Cornell University as a chemistry major because I wanted to be a veterinarian.
Then the sixties fell on my head. Folk music, rock and roll, Dylan The Freewheeling , Vietnam, demonstrations, drugs, more Dylan Blonde on Blonde -and before I knew it I wasn't a chemistry major anymore and didn't want to be a veterinarian, I was an English major and didn't have a clue what I wanted to be.
I spent my college years writing opinion pieces for the Cornell Daily Sun, short stories, and bad poems. In the fall of my senior year, I was walking across campus and saw a girl in a pink turtleneck sweater sitting on a low stone wall, gazing down.
She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. Waves of long blond hair around a quiet, oval face. Straight out of a Botticelli painting. I heard a voice say inside my head, "Someday I'm going to marry that girl. I graduated Cornell in and went to graduate school at Brandeis University to study literature. Jane who was still at Cornell and I found ourselves sitting next to each other on the steps of the Pentagon the night of the March on the Pentagon in October, , and we talked while I rubbed her cold feet.
I got my masters degree in , and spent the next two years teaching writing to Brandeis freshmen. In Jane graduated Cornell and came to live with me outside of Boston. In we bought a blue Ford van and headed to the Berkshire Mountains in western Massachusetts, where for the next five years we lived a country life.
Jane started and ran a daycare center in Great Barrington, met with her women's group, gardened. I worked for a local farmer, got good with a chainsaw, drove a forklift in a plastics factory, ran a drop-in and counseling center for local teens, played hockey in a men's league. In the fall of we got married in the field behind Molly's barn. Our daughter Greta was born the next summer. We loved being parents. I was still listening to Dylan Blood on the Tracks , and still wanted to be a great writer, and was still writing essays and short stories and bad poems, except for two poems I wrote about Greta that were good.
In we moved to Spring Hill, a conference center high on a hill in a small town fifty miles west of Boston, where a group of new-age, spiritually-minded psychotherapists from Boston were putting on nationally known weekend workshops called Opening the Heart. After training in the Heart-Centered Method of counseling, Jane.
Would you like to tell us about a lower price? If you are a seller for this product, would you like to suggest updates through seller support? For men, and the women who love them, this is a highly controversial book on how to get - and be - a good husband. This book will appeal to the countless women who resent that their husbands never listen and that they have to nag in order to get them to do anything around the house; who feel like their husbands are always pawing at them to have sex; and who want more from their marriage.
It will appeal to men who want to have more sex, less nagging, and wives who adore them. Robert Alter's central, controversial argument: Alter says to women: The chapters include: Cut the Shit. In addition, sections of the book will be geared for women where Alter will give advice to women on what they can do. Read more Read less. Frequently bought together. Total price: Add all three to Cart Add all three to List. One of these items ships sooner than the other.
Show details. download the selected items together This item: Ships from and sold by site. The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Customers who bought this item also bought. Page 1 of 1 Start over Page 1 of 1. Scott Haltzman. Gary Smalley. Doug Fields. Sex With a Married Woman. If Only He Knew: About the Author I'm sitting here at the computer in my wife's office in our home in suburban Boston.
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